The De-Manification of Cole Hamels

Take a gander at this. I’ve long suggested that Cole Hamels, despite being an excellent baseball player and a tall, good-looking man, is an enormous nerd. I mean, look at him. Listen to the voice. Look at the haircut (which is the same as the one I had in 7th grade). His awkward stage presence.

Yes, he’s world-famous, popular, and seems pretty smart. But I could see him in the cast of The Big Bang Theory.

So what does this have to do with his emasculation?

His wife, Heidi, was a reality TV star a few years ago. She was on Survivor and posed for Playboy. I’d say that she’s one of three Philadelphia WAGs who are household names, along with Kendra Wilkinson and Jennifer Utley. It used to be four, but A.J. Feeley just got cut and took Heather Mitts with him.

Now the Kendra Wilkinson-Hank Baskett union always seemed harmless and sort of vaguely amusing to me. She’s more famous than he is anyway. I get the impression that while Hank is whipped, he is so because he doesn’t care enough to fight back. That’s fine.

Jennifer Utley isn’t famous in her own right, but she has sort of hijacked her husband’s star to stand up for animal rights. That’s great. They go back to before Chase was famous anyway, and he seems like he still has a mind of his own and is lending his name to a cause to please his wife, if he doesn’t believe in it himself, which he might. I don’t know.

And even if he was being emasculated, I wouldn’t care because, frankly, Chase Utley always seemed like a little bit of an asshole anyway.

Now this brings us back to Cole Hamels. Bill Simmons has a theory that famous people date because they, like normal people, are awed to some degree by celebrity. After all, Cole first asked Heidi out by getting in line to get her autograph.

But Survivor stars’ fame is, by definition, fleeting. And it seems like everything that Heidi Hamels has done since then, from posing for Playboy to hijacking her husband’s fame to get her name in the papers, has been done with the intention of extending her 15 minutes of fame. God forbid that Cole should sign with the Red Sox, Yankees or Dodgers when he hits free agency in 2011. Heidi Hamels will be everywhere.

This brings us back to my opening point. Cole Hamels the nerd is still thinking, “Holy shit, I’m married to a chick who was in Playboy!” He simply hasn’t gotten to the point in his thought process that leads him to realize that his wife is a wet blanket who is slowly sapping his manhood. When he gets there, he will wake up in his hotel room in Atlanta with six pounds of pot, four UGA nursing students and a Shetland pony. You can take that to the bank.

I’ll make no excuses for my own chauvinism (which is considerable), but I think this is a deeper issue. It’s one thing for Eva Longoria or Victoria Beckham to seek the spotlight. It’s quite another for a WAG who is only famous as such to assume the spotlight, usurping it from her husband and turning him into a punchline. I bet she makes him call him every three innings on the bullpen phone during every road game.

This has gone too far. Grow a pair, Cole, and stand up to that harpy.


It has occurred to us that perhaps Cole does have a role model to look up to.



Filed under General Bull

3 responses to “The De-Manification of Cole Hamels

  1. ash

    You WOULD write this, bmn.

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  3. Pingback: I Can Drive. I’m an Excellent Driver. « The Phrontiersman

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